Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize
