at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
