I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
