Dude my mom stole all your condoms
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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