He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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