I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
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