You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
