I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Randomize
