So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
