They should really pass out barf bags in church
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
