accomplished twins. life is a go
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Randomize
