im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
