I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
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