He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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