I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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