Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Randomize
