Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Randomize
