First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
two words...techno handjob
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
Randomize
