I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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