he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Randomize
