Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
