Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
