He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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