He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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