I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
