My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
FUCK WHALES
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
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