You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
