I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
