from now on my penis is your penis
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
