you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Randomize
