Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
