make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
smell my finger.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Randomize
