the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
I just want to make out with him forever
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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