I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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