The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
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