Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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