Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Randomize
