Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
