Swine flu. Run for my life!
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
