I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
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