I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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