i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
