allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
