Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
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