last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Randomize
