Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
