But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
