This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
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