I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
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