i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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